Flatmate.

I love Allie (writer of the hyperbole and a half blog) and I have been reading her blog for a while now, and was reading some archived posts when I stumbled across 'Roomates part 3' So I read it, found it hilarious and near enough to one of my own experiences that I'm sure you will find amusing. So here it is

Flatmate.

I have had a few flatmates, due to my insecurity and dislike of being alone. The oddest and most amusing one was a girl a few years youunger than me, who was possibly the weirdest person I have ever met. I'm only going to tell you three little stories, backed up by my amazing narrative about her personal hygine standards and the state of her room. Her room was like a nuclear bomb fallout zone. A mess of dirty and clean washing, heaped indiscrimanently onto the carpet, with spilt ashtrays and empry alcohol bottles and plates of half eaten mouldering food, rotting milk in glasses topped with cigarette ends and false eyelashes, and a permeating odour of cats pee and unwashed underwear. Her bed was encompassed by this mess, and to top it all off her kitten's litter tray was also in the room and the effect was generally that of an alleyway behind a bar, where cats like to pee.

1) Neighbour Sex

So one day me and the flatmate had a party. She, as usual, got roaring drunk, exposed herself to the neighbours, cried, talked about her dad and generally made a total tit of herself. At this point she was engaged in a casual affair with the next door neighbour. So I get tired of her drunken self loathing and me and Scott go to bed. Only to be woken up half an hour later by the incredibly loud sounds of sex coming from the garden, just outside our room window. It's only flatmate out there, stark bollock naked, atop the similarly naked neighbour on the grass, riding him like Red Rum, screaming to Sweet Jesus and all that cared. I was so so shocked I burst out laughing. But I decided that something must be done. So I ventured out into the garden to try and stem the lawn activites. I was met by more screaming, a broken chair and a loose rabbit. I politely kept my distance and asked for them to stop, or use a blanket in the name of common decency. So I got a barrage of drunken abuse, followed by her dismounting Seabiscuit the neighbour and them both walking into his house. I saw alot of full frontal nudity.

2) Robot

I take flatmate to spend a few days in Southend with my darling Laura. Flatmate wants to go out and get drunk. So we go. And she becomes a evil drunken mess and accuses the poor guy who was kind enough to give us a ride home of being a creep. She insults my friends and gets us a good few funny looks. We return to Laura's mothers house, where flatmate passes out on couch after a pletoria of drunken insults directed at my friends. Anyway we took this opportunity to draw on her :) and she had several slogans on her face, pertaining to her similarity to that of crockery. Flatmate wakes up and shouts 'Robot!!!' somehow, in my warped and twisted mind, I know she means that she wants to vomit, so we try and get her to the toilet, where she sucessfully expels the vast quantities of alcohol and fried food down the loo pan.

3) Public Masturbation

Flatmate gets hammered whislt her friends are over. She molests a poor boy into her boodwah and then proceeds to masturbate infront of him. He is a) terrified and b) bewildered so he yells to us for help. We all enter her boodwah, to be greeted by a show worthy of Amsterdam. At this point, I was absolutely hysterical and this drew the attention of a few more people. Don't think that put her off!! Oh No. She carried on, in full veiw of us all, flicking the bean! That was probably the oddest and most weird moment of my life. We left her to it.

In hindsight, this girl is a funny and captivating charachter, and her issues are brought on by serious alcohol and insecurity mixed. But for me, that was the last flatmate ever, apart from the possum himself and my daughter and kitties. xxx